As an influx of Covid-positive freshman flood into designated quarantine centers set up by the University, we discovered that what was once seen as a punishment quickly became “paradise.” One student named Eli Verdun showed us around the alcohol soaked hallways of the Lowell center, where students supposedly drink like fish and fuck like rabbits amongst disabled smoke detectors and flickering lights: “There’s no rules here, brother. Welcome.” Students from all walks of life have washed ashore the forbidden oasis, free from the presence of RA’s and rules entirely. Verdun described a hierarchy in which students studying computer science and engineering sat at the bottom of the social totem, with the Finance and Real Estate double majors at the top. As a result, many of the residents have banded together in hopes of creating their own branch of greek life: “We already have over like 30 signatures on change.org, so we’re pretty much ready to go.” The proposition was not met without criticism from the school, however. “I can’t believe this!” exclaimed chancellor Becky Blank. “How could inviting 10,000 horny undergraduates deprived of their senior year of highschool back to campus spread a highly contagious virus? It’s completely their fault!” Verdun, with a black pirate flag in hand and a crown bestowed upon his head, informed Bonion journalists of the fraternity’s only rule: “Once you’re in you’re in for life. The only way out is death.”
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