On Thursday, January 28, students across campus were shocked to hear of a bomb threat near the intersection of State and Lake St. Luckily, the award-winning WiscAlert system notified them immediately, and expertly suggested they “maybe like avoid the area or something.” A crime and safety group revealed that an unnamed subject, rumored to be in possession of some sort of explosive device, was demanding twenty thousand dollars. Which establishment did he choose to hold hostage? The UW Credit Union? Or maybe the U.S. Bank? Seven-Eleven, actually. Fortunately, due to the swift implementation of the Safer Badger access program, the criminal's invalid Badger Badge™ prevented him from entering the building. “I wasn’t scared at all,” said the lazy-eyed oaf who worked the counter. “The thingy was red; he wasn’t allowed in.” The authorities had trouble tracking down the subject after he attempted to escape the scene (as they forgot their Net Duo passcodes and had to call the pimply nerds who run the help desk at the Doit tech center to reset it), but were eventually able to apprehend him. It’s rumored that the threat may have something to do with the new Raising Cane’s opening up on State St (as everyone really just wants a Panda Express). The UWPD celebrated the successful interception by purchasing expired Mango Cart beers at the fire sale section of Riley’s Wines of the World and Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches at the Dollar General Express underneath The James. “It really is an honor to protect and serve” said the police chief, who stood proud in his Mountain Dew-stained jeans and crumb-littered patrol car. “We are happy with the outcome of today’s situation, but are more occupied with a much greater threat: exit sign stealers.”
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