On monday, September 14, chancellor Becky Blank announced that the university will soon be implementing a foster program in which older students will be able to adopt their very own freshman. Ever since residential halls have been put into lockdown after a completely unexpected Covid outbreak, Blank has been searching for a way to empty out the dorms. “We're looking for parents that will accomodate the needs of the young adults” said the program’s director, Charlie Franks, as he hastily removed post-it notes spelling out “help us” throughout the windows of Sellery and Witte. “Our vision was inspired by Ja Rule and his ingenious Fyre festival.” The confines of the two dorms have been likened to a dog pound, where the 18 year old prisoners bark and compete for spots in up scale apartments rather than the rundown houses surrounding Camp Randall. “I love my foster parents!” said a recently adopted freshman. “I’ve never done so much blow in my life!” Kids who can’t seem to find a “forever home” have made desperate attempts to escape their residential halls. One student described an intricate web of tunnels under Sellery that lead into the bathrooms of the UU and Chasers, while others have resorted to scaling down the building’s walls using a rope of intertwined “Saturdays are for the boys” and Asap Rocky posters purchased off of Redbubble. Those who get caught are allegedly never seen again. “The lucky ones are killed, the unlucky ones are sent off to UW-Stevens Point.”
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