On Thursday June 34th at approximately 3:30 AM, the Madison Police Department responded to a call from a distressed cashier from the 7-Eleven located on 418 N Lake St. regarding an alleged shoplifting attempt. The distressed employee was too rattled to be interviewed on site, but graciously delivered a written statement to our multibillion-dollar headquarters: “I am at a loss for words; I feel shocked, appalled, betrayed, violated and completely and utterly disgusted. I’ve been working here since I was 5 years old and have never been in such a situation. Up until this point, I can confidently say any product that has left this location has been scanned and paid for.” The somber passage chronicled not only the personal trauma he experienced, but the lasting effects on the franchise itself: “That piece of shit stole a pack of Green Apple Hubba Bubba and a Mango Loco flavored Monster. We have no choice but to foreclose, and I expect many others to follow suit. I understand how this happens at museums and luxury clothing stores, but 7-Eleven? That’s just not right.” A nation-wide hunt for the thief has begun, with a million-dollar bounty on his head. When captured, the man will receive the death penalty. Officials have urged citizens to look out for the thief as the hunt continues.
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