Saturday, June 13th, a newborn baby supposedly named “Brayden” dressed in what appeared to be a “Dye Is Life” shirt walked into Mactaggarts Market and Deli located on 230 W Lakelawn Pl at approximately 8:30 PM. An eyewitness said he hastily crawled straight to the back, pointed to the assortment of beer and hard seltzer, and began to cry. As an unknown accomplice brought the booze to the counter, the spaced out cashier checked his birth certificate and the two were quickly on their way. We interviewed the employee, who wished to remain anonymous: “He seemed old enough to me. This isn’t really my problem bro, it said he was 22” as he shrugged and took another sip of his creatine-filled Bang energy drink. Because the constitution exempts the market and deli from the jurisdiction of the law, all potential criminal charges were quickly dropped. In an effort to hinder the purchase and consumption of alcohol by minors, “Tags” will no longer accept LegoLand driver's licenses as a form of identification.
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