On November 54th at approximately 11:46 PM, just after Memorial Library played that super shitty audio recording announcing its closure, an anonymous member of the cleaning staff was pulled over by campus police while riding a carpet cleaning zamboni. The employee had allegedly been seen slamming Four Loko’s in the bathrooms, bumming cigarettes off of undergraduate students outside the entrance, and laughing at the new “Nelk Boys” video despite being over fifty years old. Multiple students reported him to campus police who set up a DUI checkpoint near the lobby. As the man approached the traffic stop at a whopping 2 miles per hour, he abruptly crashed into one of the reception desks while attempting to flee the scene: “I woulda got away with it if those damn comp-sci kids noodling on their fuckin computers stuck to their Club Penguin,” he said in a drunken stupor. After blowing a .43 BAC, the police brought him to jail. Because he only had two prior convictions (operating an 18 wheeler and a personal aircraft while under the influence), and had what was considered a “small amount of alcohol in his blood,” the Wisconsin judge sympathized with the man. After much consideration, he received a thirty minute timeout (with no play time) and a light slap on the wrist with a Westcott® 12" Finger Grip Ruler.
Was his name appelhoff?