Tuesday, July 7, incoming freshman Connor Lafeber visited the iconic Memorial Union Terrace and sat down with his mother for a fine evening luncheon. After ordering a world renowned Terrace Glizzy, Lafeber took a seat and his life changed immediately: “There were bugs everywhere, but I didn’t even notice because the rusted metal chair (which stuck to my ass like a fly trap) felt so comfortable. No wonder you get in so much trouble if you steal one.” This comment came after the university announced a new policy that chair thieves would automatically receive the death penalty via electric chair. “There was even free gum under our table. I was lucky enough to find a hard ball of Juicy Fruit, and my mother a crusty Green Apple Hubba Bubba.” One girl we interviewed added to the praise: “I love when my computer shuts down because its so fucking hot outside, and I cant even see the screen because its so bright. It's awesome because the chair is always boiling, as it's been baking in the sun all day.” It’s safe to say the University will have to step up late night Terrace security due to the soaring demand for the unreasonably expensive chairs.
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