College Library, formerly known as the Helen C. White library, announced Tuesday that the University has made the decision to refurbish the top 4 floors of the building into a series of prison cells and detention centers to help accommodate the recent influx of peaceful protesters being detained. Another proposition could even include inmates considered “legally insane” and double as a mental asylum. Students interviewed about the change didn’t seem very surprised: “it looks like the gulag from Warzone bro.” This comes with no surprise, as university architects have admitted to its original purpose in the past: “I mean, look at the fucking thing. Do you really think this was supposed to be a library?” said Christopher McMahan, the University’s executive director of facility planning and delivery. Bonion researchers discovered that in the last 5 decades the “library” has served as a slaughterhouse, primate research lab, cigarette advertising marketing agency, firework store, and even a brothel. It allegedly was also used as a captivity chamber for “Shamu,” the popular orca notoriously abused by Seaworld. Because no one actually does their homework in the compound, it's safe to say the extension won’t hinder productivity.
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