The aquatic life found beneath the pristine-blue waters of Lake Mendota is “fed up” with the behavior and lifestyle decisions demonstrated by UW Madison’s fraternity students nestled along its coast. This past Thursday morning, the group met for the first time outside of the sewage grate about two blocks down the isthmus from Tunnel Bob’s grate. The group is led by none other than Maurice the Musky, a natural born leader who has been said to eat Natural Light cans and cigarette butts for breakfast. The main issue tackled at the first meeting had to do with the young fish being exposed to explicit behavior at such a young age. The Bonion sat down with Maurice this afternoon to discuss the issues brought forth by the community. He bluntly started with, “What do I say to my children when they ask me what a Whippet is?” One of the most scarring events brought up at the gathering pertained to the rafts that Greek Life students tend to bring out at all hours. Sally the Sunfish reported that she was trying to sleep around 4 AM the other evening when her children cried out “Mom, those Langdon kids are boinking in a raft again!” Pretty horrifying shit, Maurice concluded: “I mean these fraternity guys waltz around all day looking like fucking douchebags after a quick pump at Anytime, and then proceed to hit golf balls and launch fireworks at us as they please- it’s like living in ‘Nam in the 70s.” The group plans on remaining peaceful in their efforts to raise awareness of their problems with the Langdon community, but they believe it will be hard to communicate with a group of individuals who are drunk or high 90% of the time.
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