“It’s pretty simple” said senior finance-bro bouncer “Chex” (not to be confused with the popular snack mix): “My Buzz Lightyear radar gun can detect ‘Ronie from miles away, all I have to do is point the thingy at people’s heads and it automatically destroys it.” Regardless, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently released a statement saying the virus, which has spawned a world-wide pandemic, is unable to enter any sort of establishment that allows young adults to get wasted: “No wonder the bars are open, and not the library” said one student as we interviewed bystanders on State St. “It’s actually s
uper chill” said Robert R. Redfield, the 18th Director of the CDC: “Even if COVID somehow does get into a bar, it will be fine as everyone will surely stand 6 feet away from each other at all times, especially while getting hammered.” Popular Madison bar The UU has announced it will be taking extreme precautions to ensure the safety of all customers as well as employees: “starting July 1st, all staff members will carry super soakers filled with soapy, sudsy water, and will make sure to shoot at tables and the floor periodically. In addition, anyone attempting to enter the bar will have their temperature taken. If higher than 212°F (the temperature that water boils), they will not be let in, cause that’s how this whole thing works.” They even offered to close for half a day if things get “really bad.” After thorough consideration, it seems like the city of Madison will be fine after all, thanks to our bartending superheroes.
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